18 sep. 2014

A mother´s philosophy part 2 of 4: how and why sex(uality) changes when becoming a mom

He asks me if I want to come to the hotel with him. I tell him I can't, because I'm already 2,5 hours gone from her. She will need me soon.
I also have to be honest, I have missed dancing so much, that I, even if I had the time to go with him, would rather dance some more.

So, again no sex. Guess what?! I do not mind at all. Really?! Yes, really!
I have figured out by now that it´s not because I'm suddenly less sexual, the only difference is, I can not be and do not want to be focussed on it.

What´s wrong with me?!
I became a mom.

Enough men complain that women become less sexual once pregnant and once they become a mom. Maybe true, but the reason is, I'm starting to believe, not the most standard given answer: hormone change. 

They still work just positively fine most of the time, or come back fast or frequently.
Men who make funny and negative comments about this subject, are hurting women more than they realize and sometimes even more than the woman realizes herself. Well this is and could be wrong:
1. The way you feel is related to how you look (see number 2). Feeling dead tired: carrying many kilo´s, hormones kicking you around, healing after giving birth, if lucky: only torn, stitched and maybe even a little bit physically and emotionally traumatized here or there. And what´s sleep?
Now, with all this try to feel and look at your most sexy. Raise your hand if you can... I thought so!
Worst thing: there are men that can really make you feel opposite from beautiful when pregnant… and then give the blame on the hormones if you act upset and angry.
I was so lucky to get a kind remark when having a huge beautiful belly: "you look good from the back." UH! Wrong remark! Not horny! Anything but!
I know some say and think that the hormone change changes your sexuality. True, but it can even make you become more sexual.
If people suddenly make you feel like you are less or even not beautiful anymore or expecting on the other hand that your sexual feelings are exactly the same, arouses all but.
I´ve heard in rare cases, that the love actually grew between the couple, for they had now a beautiful family together. Seems logical to me. However, more often I´ve heard about negative stories such as separations, just shortly after the baby was born. 2. The way you look when pregnant and as a starting mom isn't always that awake, that fresh and that healthy. Tired, morning sick, carrying weight, not having energy, makes also less men look and flirt with you. (They think you're taken anyway, which is mostly true, not always.) Oh yeah, there are exceptions, of shining women and all, but let´s focus on the more realistic situations, shall we? Mostly of you hardly having any time to even comb your hair properly.
Oh yeah, I have felt sexy with my 6 months belly. But hee, those hormones woke her up and she beat the crap out of me. So, I decided: NO FLIRTING for now! 3. Your focus is on the baby, especially when you've just become a mom.
You listen to your baby's every sounds and needs. You can't use, even if you want it, a hand on your butt or really flirt, especially at those I-need-to-focus-moments, which are in abundance. I've noticed personally it makes me feel bad, restless and losing fun of being a mom when I lose focus. 4. Giving and getting love.
I love giving her the best of me. I love her to bits. But that doesn't mean I do not need love myself, actually I need it even more so, now that I am a mom.
I need a little bit of the so much love I give to my baby in return from a man. You can say, bad luck Viviane, you're (still) a single mom, but guess what, not getting that love you so much need when in a relationship is even worse.
I was talking to my good friend on the chat about this and I could almost hear the tears coming into her eyes, when she said how she recognized this.
We women just want a little back of what we give. First thing is love and not as a trick of getting us into bed. We can be stupid perhaps at times, but not that stupid!
We women, I feel, need more, or call it a different kind of love then before we became moms. We want to see the love in your eyes, also towards the baby. 5. Expectations.
If beforehand someone says: oh, she´s going to be less sexual when pregnant or with a baby, then you have a big change it will be the case. That remark is not romantic at all! The guy (or woman :)) however, who understands, listens, reads, dares to change (or call it: develop) with the change his love goes through, being pregnant and becoming a mom, will win a lot!
I think women do not always understand the changes they are going through themselves, or how to put it into words. That´s why they can't always make clear what´s going on or what they need.

In any case: it takes two! Also the woman has got to understand how a man feels in the process of it all. Though, I think we've heard that (accepted) story more often, than the one I've been writing about. I hope at least it makes you think about it… and to be more kind, more loving towards one another.

 more in ´A mother´s philosophy´ will follow: the pressure of society to be a working mom (to work or not to work) and short philosophies summed-up.

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