Tuesday, June 24, 2014

A mother´s philosophy part 1 of 4: the greatness of being a single mom


No, this isn´t propaganda for becoming a single mom! To say it short: there isn´t one way of raising a child. Well, the only way is being as much a good parent or parents as one or two can be.


Tabooohooehoeeee


I´m tired. Not only because it´s bed-time, but because I hardly find a nice happy single mom story online.

When I was back in the Netherlands I was shocked to learn how prejudiced and not open-minded people are. In the Netherlands, for crying out loud!
I noticed how old fashioned people still were thinking, putting priority for the child on having a father and a mother instead of having a loving and a good parent or parents.

Funny, how I´ve heard moreover that I´m such a good mother/parent. Still, all the time I´ve to hear: “Where is the dad?” That´s the first question people ask me once they notice I´m a single mom. Not: "How is motherhood?" or such. Or nice would be: “Oh great! So I can date you?!” Noooope!

When I say that I don´t want to talk about it, people assume it´s a painful story, that I´ve no contact with the biological dad or something worse. Guess what?! UH! Wrong!
Also the focus everywhere online, pregnancy sites and such, is on the mom and guess what... the dad. I know so many, many single parents, from the start or after separation.
There´ s more taboo on this matter than I thought.

Yes, of course, it´s hard sometimes, but let´s focus on the benefits and the fun parts of being a single parent, at least as I´ve experienced so far.
I want to show the other side. Not every single mom is 16 years old, abandoned by a guy and hardly capable of raising her own kid.

Once again and the last time, this isn´t just to say being a single mom (or dad, but hee that´s more rare and also I talk from my own experience, and the last time I´ve checked: I´m still a woman) isn´t hard at times, but being parents, a couple, is just as much hard at times.


And do not forget, a child when growing up or when adult and looking back, will always feel something missing. I have even heard stories of people saying, they rather had had that their parents would have separated when they were young and so on.

It´s all about love. Let’s question that more.



My story short

You know, got pregnant (you know how that goes), wasn´t planned, decided to go on with the pregnancy, wasn´t scared becoming a mom even if I never wanted to be one before, but I knew if it would happen I would be a single mom (...), wasn´t 16 anymore (double that + 1), hard pregnancy and painful birth, but then holding the most beautiful thing ever seen in my arms…

Now let’s go to what we´ve all been waiting for, an overview. Our heads like numbers, so here my top 5 of the benefits of being a single mom!


The benefits of being a single mom/parent

1. No discussions
I don´t have to discuss anything with anyone. “Can you take care of that, honey?” “Shall we give her first this food, shall we buy or not buy that?”
I have to take care of things, and having no one to complain or discuss things with, makes me also feel I´ve nothing to complain about. Much more relaxed. I just have to do it.
The stress between parents can be felt by children. Having stress alone instead of between two people is less present I´ve experienced.

2. Freedom

I can live more the life that I want. I don´t have to think what my partner wants or what is possible for him. This, also on daily basis. Only me and my baby-girl matters. I still travel.

3. More focus
Some things I make more simple for myself as a parent, because I have to do it all. Making it more simple is actually relaxing anyway, also for the baby.
I can focus on her and me. I don´t also have to think of my relationship.
When I breastfeed her, there´s no one breaking in, in that sweet intimate moment. Maybe that´s also why she´s such a chubby beauty.

4. Less spoilt
Some think she´ll be more spoilt. I actually think the opposite. She has to wait while I take a shower for example and when she´s older she can´t go to her dad and get that cookie I said she couldn´t have.

5. Buddies
My baby-girl is also my little best friend, my buddy and partner in crime. I feel the connection is (different) strong. I have experienced all her first steps and it has also made me grow fast as a mother. (This has also to do with not having her go to day-care and such and her being an only child.)


With all the above I´m not saying she will never get a kind of father in her life. I´m not going to stay single forever. I hope not!
It´ll have to be a good connection
though, for the three of us. Otherwise I rather be and can better stay single.

I´m enjoying it so much right now, being a mom. I really do the same stereotype things fathers do with their children. (I believe by the way that some fathers are better ´moms´.)
I´ve heard I got more balls than many men got anyway.
So, I´m enough ´father´ I guess.


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Are you a single parent? Please share your positive experiences below.

Three more in ´A mother´s philosophy´ will follow: how and why sex(uality) changes when becoming a mom, the pressure of society to be a working mom (to work or not to work) and short philosophies summed-up.