20 jul. 2013

Lighting up the fire

I just like myself better in some other places and countries.

I figured this out recently. It suddenly came in more clear words to me.

Most of you know I’m not that happy to be back in the Netherlands, even if it’s good and necessary for now. I must say, also the surrounding countries I wouldn’t prefer.
What’s wrong with this country and with you?! Some people think this, well, it’s more: What feels right for me.

How you react to your surroundings and how the surroundings react to you.

Of course places are different, how can one deny this? People react different to you, the culture, nature, and all is different. I like things in the Netherlands, which I miss somewhere else and other way around. One thing is, that I feel more free posting my half-naked belly photos now I’m here. More artistic and emancipated freedom I guess?

When people say it’s all about how you feel yourself and it doesn’t matter where you live, I can only laugh. Why?
Well first of all, they mean not living everywhere, but staying at one place. Making the once-made-habit the only right way of living and you should hold on to whatever happens.
It’s almost always said by people who have lived in only one country even place throughout their lives. Sometimes they are a little stuck themselves and want to believe this so badly, to not have to think about it or maybe make some changes in their own lives. So, wanting to leave is like seen as the wrong habit. Like you are running from something, while staying is sometimes also running from the fact you need change.

Second, it’s not true. You can already prefer one city to the other, nature over the city in one country, let alone differences between other countries and cultures.
Once you travel, hitchhike, live in various places and countries and such, you’ll see all the differences and also all the similarities much clearer. I even haven’t seen much yet. Still a lot to discover. Meeting others, other habits and such, is also like meeting yourself again.  

Dependent happiness

If you’re not happy with yourself, it can stay with you wherever you are. But inside I’m a happy person, so I do not feel that that counts for me.

I can pretend I am happy everywhere. To give one example that proves to opposite: when in Turkey I got so much attention from guys. Believe me it wasn’t normal anymore! I felt like constantly having to stand up for myself, for being a single lady. (By doing this, I also gained a lot of respect.)
In Brazil on the other hand, I felt relaxed in what I was wearing, didn’t feel I had to cover myself that much to still be able to go relaxed across the streets, without everyone looking at me, or wanting something from me.
It can be great to get attention, but it can also be suffocating. I preferred Brazil. Even If I have great memories of Turkey, I truly felt traumatized afterwards. (A story for another time and place.)


When I saw this photo of Rio de Janeiro, I suddenly felt a little homesick. A little, because I have only been one short week in this city and only 3 months in Brazil.

Why homesick? I mean it was a difficult time for me, in which I had to make some important decisions, was morning sick and so on. I guess because it had nothing to do with Brazil itself.

Everywhere I’ve met great people. The good, the bad and the ugly. But somehow most people I met in Brazil makes me feel very warm and happy inside when I think of them. Their mentality is different. More me? I do not know, just that I felt better about myself there.

There are more reasons of course of feeling good outside the Netherlands. There I’m new, the traveler, the adventurer, a free spirit, without history, more awake and aware. People look at me in that way.

I really don’t believe one country is better then another, but one has preferences. People are people everywhere and still atmosphere is different everywhere. I can’t imagine though a warzone making a lot of people happy.

I have seen and heard people becoming happier by moving. Sometimes moving and coming back, is good too. You realize even more why you feel or don’t feel happy and good somewhere. So coming back made me realize, I should only do it for special reasons.
I think once you travel more and more free, everyone understands what I am talking about. Change is healthy for body and soul.

My fire

The photo lighted up the fire in me. After seeing it, I took a bath to relax my big belly, and for the first time, since a long time, I felt more open, fresh and happy again in my head. Memories did that to me, but also the excitement of what the future holds for me.
Normally I live very much in the present, but that present feels like waiting, since I can hardly do anything else.

The feeling first confused me, because of also the difficult times I had there. But those feelings had nothing to do with the place and country itself. I am aware of that.

That fresh feeling in my head is what I go for in life. Call it freedom or not, but I do. I’m not scared of all those other feelings when the basic in me feels so awake, so open, and so alive to life.

Lighting up

At least I have to go back to South America and live life from there. Mommy’s smile will also light up my little Niamh’s first years. An adventure together! Doing things, making decisions that’s best for both our happiness. It won’t always be easy, but that’s ok, part of the deal. It was harder before…

The world is big and full of possibilities once you dare, dare to see.

She will lead me to new places, thoughts, feelings and views, by looking through her eyes to this world. You are so welcome to come into my life, into this world.

2 opmerkingen:

  1. These reflections by my sister makes me wonder what place/region/country would be best for me.

    I could stay for years in my home country, the Netherlands, on end - but then even I would get restless, and want to move and live somewhere else.

    One of the places I liked best to live is Belfast, Northern Ireland. I do not fully understand it, cannot really rationalize, it but have accepted this as being true.

    For some reason, I keep returning to Leiden and Leiden University in the Netherlands - also for reasons that I only partially understand.

    Maybe I need a familiar homebase which I like, even if I stay away for months, even years, in a row.

    Travel & live well, Caspar ten Dam

    1. Thanks so much for sharing bro!

      I also liked Belfast. Also something to do with the history, even if it's a difficult one, it has a stor, it has life to it.

      Lets see what the future brings! Life is a travel, but even more so when using our legs to go somewhere.

      Hope you can go to Kosovo and would love to hear your stories! I stayed too short there. It has so much it.