2 jul. 2013

Doing what I can

note: this blog is not for time-stressed people. It might relax you though, so you could also give it a try.

Why do I do what I do? I ask myself this lately. Being smart sometimes can make one so stupid.
I know, I still need to learn a lot. I know I also know a lot. But what I know, does it satisfy me, makes me happy?

You want an answer already? Well, at least half of the time the answer is: no.

My critical and analytical part seems to pop up more then ever lately. Everything I read and hear, brings thoughts and opinions into my mind, making my fingers itch to write them, my mouth twitch to say them.

Is this a part of me, which I can personally like, almost be proud of? (If it is already possible to be proud of oneself?) Yes, I can see the ‘fun’ of it, but only when it would pop up now and then.

Is it a basic need, a good part of life? I already figured this one out for myself, and the answer is...give me some music here: 

: no!

There is so much more. So much, that I will not even write about it now and distract myself or you, dear reader, of what I wanted to say, the point I wanted to make and making this blog even longer. 
I guess the point I wanted to make is more towards myself. But hé, maybe it's still interesting for you to keep on reading? I don't know? To get to know me even better perhaps? Or maybe it makes you think about yourself and you get to know yourself better through it? What is really important to you? Do you live your life or are you being lived?

Lately this critical analytical thinking has come back and too much for my taste. Why? Well read on… or not. Wow, freedom!

Though I doubted so many times lately to post things I had already written. And by not posting them, I feel like not achieving anything. So now I will dare, and pray to evolution to be gentle with me.

This is my life at the moment and sharing it with you. My blog has been asleep for a while. Reason is my participation on Facebook again. Yes, I was cheating.
I came back to this addiction, after three months of soberness. My pregnancy makes me almost incapable doing anything and I needed some distraction, to fill my days. Days that are in a way, days of waiting. 
Not being possible to live the way I used to, to even walk the way I used to, dance, sit and so on, is never easy. Even if it brings me new moments of intense joy, like the WOW-feeling of her moving inside of me.

I was back for a while on Facebook. It has made me, without intention to do so in the first place, think of who I am and which part of me I rather be or see blooming.
Conclusion: I guess the blooming part has to wait anyway and I can definitely not find that on FB or other online networks.

Having some interaction online can be fun. I like that part of it. Sometimes making me laugh, think or meet new people. There is also an opposite side to it: it is and can also become shallow. A lot of the times it leads into discussions, even being insulted (on purpose). And sorry to say, but Dutch people love to complain, a lot! If the weather would be a person, it would have a very low self esteem by now.

My fault of course is, I can’t take distance to that discussion part, I admit that. But at least something is happening there and it’s not only shallow. Unfortunately it often leads to nothing. Well irritation and grumpyness I guess.

Experiencing life: to smell, feel, hear, see and taste it. To combine instincts, with emotions, feelings and thoughts, into a more balanced way. Using these senses and this balance to build up who I am, how I live, how I think, what I choose and do, is what satisfies me much more and I should say most.

Why I can hardly do these, often called: simple things in life, anymore? I already explained a litlle and will explain more later on. Also this isn’t an obvious way of living anymore in this world it seems. If it ever was? 
So you have to have a fuck-you-mentality a lot before getting anywhere there where you want to be. And sometimes I just want to be me, without being judged, or having to do so much for my freedom. All the 'F'ing makes one tired.
But judged you will be. I know: as a single pregnant women, that doesn’t drink or use drugs, dances like she is on speed, “high on life” itself, lives vegan and lives and travels the way she does… Sometimes being simple, read: average, would make life easier, but also more boring and more important: less me.

It’s becoming even more difficult to experience this all, in a world that consists more and more on knowledge outside the senses, instincts and feelings, of having (read: buying) things and not experiencing life.
Yes, money can make you travel, do things, make you experience things too, true, but without it or with only a little bit it’s also possible. I hitchhiked, couchsurfed, enjoyed dancing and physical contact. Also being pregnant is an experience in itself, sometimes making you aware of other senses and things that are interesting and valuable in life. These are things that don't cost you a thing like money or doesn’t need a lot of it to help you experience it. 

Though it seems that many pregnant women are more insecure about if they have bought the right and enough stuff for there baby to come, then that they have enough and right love for the little one to give. Or is it just a cover up, for their insecurity. Not a good way to enjoy the pregnancy time and to redeem feelings of guilt, I must say.
Well, that's another blog subject for me to write about I guess. But to say one last thing about that (sorry, it's that itch thing!): most of the time it's just copying the crowd and not 'listening' to whom you are and to the individual to come.

Getting back to the Facebook thing, I feel I had to quit with it again. It’s so easy, when you have all the time, to check it again, and again, and again…  And maybe I will later again. But for now, I rather face the loneliness and boredom, then the stress discussions bring. Or to keep chitchatting online and read about people going to sleep or waking up. Yes, we all take a shit too, but I wouldn’t write about it. Well, maybe just to get even with the boredom brought on the timeline. Wait, I’ll be right back, have to take a … to go to the toilet.

Back. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Fun thing though about FB is, keeping in touch with people you know and meeting new people. But I did that before in the real world and enjoyed it more. And lately nobody, except one, came to the place I am living now. My parents place.
I am tired to explain I have litte money and I am pregnant! My body can hardly carry a bag and is faster tired. Well it is already tired. My pregnancy is not going bad, no iron shortage or high blood pressure there, healthy moving baby, but it's also not going smooth at all. (My belly is protesting now, that I'm sitting to long, so lets finish this up.)
Friendship comes from both ways, right? Well, you would expect that at least. People always have no time for whatever reasons… and then we die…

This last has made me think a lot throughout my life. It seems we need a deadly disease to figure out what's important to us. COME ON! Wake up, before it’s too late.
Never heard people on the end of their lives regretting the job or work they didn’t do. Number one regret: not spending enough time with the people they loved and saying the things they wanted to say to them. The nice things I mean. But also meeting new people and places: traveling more, are high on the to-do-list. If I would have thought sooner...
Nobody is perfect and you can’t constantly think of the end of your life. Not a smart idea, but still! Life is too short. So live it, the best you can.

So what can I do? Besides enjoying some minutes a day feeling Niamh move, kick, having the hiccups and such?
I can hardly concentrate on reading, so nope, sorry that isn't an option. I sometimes read short news articles, but then the itching starts. I start to think too much, making me restless. TV is fun sometimes, but only for a short time. I haven’t had a TV for more then ten years. It makes me crazy and also restless. I sometimes move: walk and swim. But that’s not more then one or two hours a day. I work on translating and editing an ICT book for someone. More then 3 hours a day is enough. That is enough sitting and concentration.

I just have to accept that I won’t be too happy the coming two months. People say two months are short, but they don’t have any idea how slow time can go when you’re pregnant. I feel like I’m pregnant for at least a year now. And miss my adventurous, chaotic life.

I’m very happy when she is there. Also a much better reason to have little sleep. Finally having something to do, to experience something new! I hope she comes three or two weeks earlier then the supposed date. Before that, I have to give birth in the hospital and for both of us I wouldn’t want that. But the date I’m due, hope not!
I talked to her about it already. I will relax my body when I feel time is right, will welcome her to the outside-the-womb-world and just as an extra I will pray to evolution.

1 opmerking:

  1. A bit too long a read , it would have been much easier to read if it was divided into 5 smaller pieces, would be more interesting too.