Saturday, April 27, 2013

Mind and body maintenance

Sitting in the waiting space of the research company, I take one of their magazines from the table. The cover is too glossy. Still that year of Graphic Design is affecting my first reaction on a magazine. I try to find an interesting research project to read about. Next page. No, next. Maybe next? No, also not interesting. My thoughts go fast and in no random order. I think I have pregnancy-ADHD.

Do we need those changes? Shall I eat something now? People just like to develop, without thinking if it really develops the way we live. What are those people talking about, hmm, he seems to be interested in how the security system works. We are standing further and further away from our being, our emotions, our instincts.
Do we really need those changes?

I look at the screen behind me. It is showing a bad animation about an app for children to scan what they want to buy, to know if it is better, less calories and so on. Complimenting them when the choice they make is a more healthy one. We are fucked up! Instead of changing the industry, our way of thinking, our habits, we have to condition our children now (when they are already old and conditioned so much by then), instead of thinking how to prevent these problems
Well, researchers need something to do, I guess. I understand the excitement of discovering new ideas, new methods, new products and all, but you would think that logic thinking would be involved. That is to say: also thinking about the necessity of putting something into action.
I just do not really believe it will work, at least not enough. Why do we lose so much trust in a more basic life, that is more full of contact with people, nature, basic needs like (healthy) food, movement, music and so on. The real living deal. That kind of place is where I would want to bring up my child.

If research makes us more respectful towards each other, life itself, nature, then I want to be a part of it, for the rest? Why do we keep on believing that having more apps, more stuff makes us happier? Maybe because nature is loosing space, we forget the smell of it? For me, the less I have the more rich I feel in my mind.

But now I am distracted. A man fresh in suit and appearance, comes my direction and sits down in the chair next to me. He really feels revived from the weather and tells me so. I have to admit to him I like the sun, but the heat makes me tired, also my allergies are kicking in big time now. I say something about Brazil, the weather, and remember I am in the very low cut dress I bought there. My milky breast popping up, my belly in her full glory. It is half covered by a vest I am wearing. I feel not quite comfortable without it, I must confess. So I also wear it to not shock the Dutch people, who are more prudish and judgmental then they want to believe themselves to be. But even with the vest I stay conspicuous in this business area anyway.
He seems curious about the whole of me and listens to me with a gentleman look and interest in his eyes. PING! Ping! Ping, ping, ping... He already got himself a lot of points!

A women, who is his appointment or takes him there, arrives. They say hello, we say goodbye. Too bad, the conversation was just about to start. When he passes the glass door he turns his head just to look at me. Our eyes meet and then he is gone.

Almost six months... yes, six months! My body could use some natural boost. No pills, no apps to revive me, just a nice guy and some good loving body maintenance. I will not force it, research the why's and how's, conquer a man like I used to. (It was fun then.) I will let him come naturally. 

(And yes, you may smile at that last sentence, I did. ;))

I think we need some music now... so here is my latest favorite song discovery

I like to interprete a song my way sometimes. The 'I' is me and the 'she' is my little one:

She's up all night 'til the sun
I'm up all night to get some
She's up all night for good fun
I'm up all night to get lucky

Thursday, April 18, 2013

My inside adventure!

Today I had my third echo. Watch the photos and video links beneath. She, yes it is 99% certain a she now, human too, looks totally healthy and I really feel her kicking a lot since a couple of days now and today during the echo even more. Even the woman who did the echo could feel her.

Oh yeah, I just do not understand the question: are you thinking of breastfeeding her? HELL YEAH! It makes me think why people want children in the first place? To become director over nature? Typical humans... scared of their own beautiful instincts and given body. Women breasts are made for it. And the woman of the echo is not talking if I CAN give breast milk, there are some exceptions of course... but come on women?!
I think it is totally cool my breasts are getting a double function. ;)

There are several times a day I am surprised of the fact I am pregnant. I can still hardly believe it! It is weird, sometimes it feels like it is not me, it should not happen to me, but more often it feels like a new adventure I am very curious about. 
I know most people would now describe me as a becoming mom, but my own feeling is: I am a becoming caretaker and her first friend... hopefully best friend... :P

First full echo, when she was 14 weeks and 7 cm long LINK
Second full echo, today, when she was more then 22 weeks and about 28 cm long LINK


Monday, April 8, 2013

The no choice go zone

To the zero point
Raw and cold
Let it hit me like a feather
Caress me with its bitterness
Taking the time with time, I will

Freed by ones incapability, confuses
Who am I to blame, who am I to thank?
Me? You? Me? You?

Look and see
Those beggar hands of mine
They need to be dusted, turned
Onto my belly
Waving hello to life's beauty

I will take pain
The one with reason, thank you
With a welcome relieve

I await the day to cry with her
Once the air hits our lungs

She, to taste my milk
I, the full taste of life

Saturday, April 6, 2013

In NL, but not for good… for the better & Belly Conversations

Click on the link in the email to go to the blog and see the photos better and to leave a reaction, always nice knowing that you read it and to hear your stories.

Oh nope, not back as an official citizen. But just a day or two before I would have my ticket booked to Ecuador I decided to go back to The Netherlands for my little one.  
(You can skip this first paragraph if you already know my reason.)
I had some problems. A ‘hard belly’ to be more exactly. It was for hours and hours non-stop and that is not normal to have that non-stop or too much too early in the pregnancy. Physical stress was my reason, I am sure of that. You can also get it with mental stress, when the baby moves and with orgasms… well, didn’t have too much of those, unfortunately. Walking up and down, the crowds, the heat, São Paulo became too much for me. Since pregnant I need more rest and time to relax. Anyway, to be sure there was nothing more going on then the necessity to move my butt less, I went to the ER. My little one's heartbeat was just perfect and the hard belly had not gotten into real contractions with the risk of going into labor. But I can tell you, I practiced enough, for hard belly's are also preparing you for going into labor. 
After this happened I decided to not get myself in those risks again and to go to my parents to relax there. If I would get this in Ecuador I would have the risk to have to quit my job and really get homeless. And since my parents live in The Netherlands...  My visa was also almost expired. So after a tiring plane journey, getting a hard belly again due to the air pressure, I was back in the country I once used to call my home.
Ok, ten months is not a long time to have be gone, but believe me, I have been through so much, that it feels like years and years.

My cheeks touched the cold. Oooh, how I missed the weather every Dutch person rather gets rid off. I could breath again, my blood was flowing and giving me immediate energy. But oh, how I will miss the freshness of the non typical Western countries. I have to, and will accept being here for a while.
For now I also have a new adventure. It is growing inside of me.

She maybe hears me sing when we are in the shower. Since she is in my life it is like my voice has changed. I have a reason to sing. She maybe hears me also when I walk and talk to her.
I am past the official half of pregnancy and sometimes feel my restless belly telling me she is moving. Then I push with my fingers on my belly and wait, sometimes short afterwards I feel her reaction. We have this little belly conversation. It tickles a little bit, feeling like a very soft nail is going over the inside of my skin or sometimes even like a long soft fart :), or I feel small *plops*. You just feel the difference. It is nothing like I ever felt before.

I am very fast tired and can not take anything stressful. My body is so alert. Love being alone with her. If I can not sleep, I do not mind. Especially when I feel my restless belly and know she is moving, I do not care how tired I am then. That are always fun moments. 
Yes, and there is something pushing on your blather, so at least three times a night I go to the bathroom, and then I am thirsty and hungry again. Can not eat too much at once.
I am used to not sleep very well and now I have at least a better reason. But when I sleep I dream a lot! Read it is normal in this stage of pregnancy. 

I have to find my new rhythm, new movements. Too much walking is not possible and too fast is impossible. Immediately my belly gets hard and tells: NO Viv! The Dutch flat landscape is perfect to enjoy some walking and my parents live outside. Dancing… miss it, but my energetic jumping around has to wait.

Freedom is my all. I have learned a lot. Also: the more I learn the less I know. Only every form of discrimination I can hardly even discuss anymore. What is there to talk about? When something small, like a guy making, what he thinks is a funny remark, about women have to go to the toilet a lot, I just think he is stupid. He just doesn't know anthing about the female and male body, the differences what you are born with and that it has nothing to do being emotionally weak or something. But the sound in his voice, tells me how he thinks this just simple fact is funny. Oh, get a life dude!
Unbelievable how too many men in this world who of course come from women discriminate them. Let us not discuss now who is to blame...

I have learned that The Netherlands never has really been my place, like enough people have told me throughout my life.
I have learned that living in the moment is the only thing you are certain of and that it is beautiful as well as tough. Especially when you want something or someone so much. But living in the moment is much intenser. Thinking of your past can also be living in the moment, when it is relevant.
I have realized even more that feeling and being rich has nothing to do with possessions.
I have realized how difficult life can be for people. Their past very tough and loneliness deep.  
I have learned how warm people are in this world, how very helpful! So many people I want to thank for their help, their stories, their fun, their interest and their trust in me: doing it my way this life. Many people I still remember very well I met on my journey. It feels good to still have contact with some of them.
I have realized that a child will change my life, but that doesn’t mean the way many people say it will. I am in for an adventure, but still living in this world.

Anybody knows how to get one of these? ;) :

- Check my photos here… to start with my last 'Pregnant Viv' photos: LINK

- My newest poem I will publish after this blog. Please see my poems as word-art, or to keep in the mood of the blog: word-adventures. Even though it is personal, doesn’t mean I live in that feeling I describe constantly.