Sunday, March 17, 2013

Storms from within

The hunting storm

The high buildings at night
Finally surrounded by sleeping cars
Lets a sigh through my lips, kissing the wind
The city caresses back
Without tongues touching to take it passed skin-deep

Every time I am getting a life, I leave

A storm in my own house
Uncovers the instincts in me
Scaring the hell out of rules

The refreshing progress of awakening

The layers of humans are everywhere
And always that dirty rotten hidden one
You could have that love of your life
Sending coordinations into your head to Viv-land
In the end he was just sending me 'distance between us'

A storm in my own house
Makes no other time but my own
So I give it that place on the life-map

I say goodbye to new loved ones
And jobs I successfully make my own
Just to go before the time makes memories I do not want to make

The wind is growing into a storm again

Feeling that freedom will hunt me down as soon as I would deny her
In all the things others believe they have to say about my way
They try to have their ways justified, when there is only one way: your way

The storm leaves a smile
That frees my face alive


Doubting days

Doubt doesn't diminish in the weeks passing
It gains weight

Keeping the mess outside
Seems to lock me in
Running between four walls
I see fading freedom

This beauty, for it is
- I even smiled to it -
Is like a movie scene
Out of my life
But I play the leading role
Pretending I know the script
While being directed
By the law of my female body

And love is all I need to give
Love is all I have
So I will be fine

So I will be fine
On repeat
Beats up
My mind

Like the wrong body carries
One else's beautiful truth


Let the best fool win

It comes
Even through
Gutters of my mind

Making me make
Same mistakes
Over and over
On repeat

Dear future:
Hopefully fools win
In the end of something

In the believe
Every situation
Every past
Changes something
And that that something
Could be me

Stupid stubborn me
Holding on

. . .
. . .

My brick bones
My cement licks
Building a new love fall

This unbelievable believe
Without ending it seems
Give it a name:
Delusory hopes?
With love fools like me
Who can foretell?

I feel like giving up on hope
To bruise myself no more

In the end of something
Hopefully fools win

Friday, March 8, 2013

The Milk Factory

Three short stories

The Milk Factory

Oh my! My breast are getting ready! Milk is still like a drop of water, but still, it's on its way to become the nutrition for my little one. 

That is what it is for, for a baby. Now even more then ever it makes me think of it in disgust. That, a human mother, gives birth, gives life, to kill another ones baby, a calf. Taken away from its mother, many times immediately after birth, so humans can give their own child cow milk. 
Milk is to start life not to take it away.

I feel so functional. It makes me smile. I love experiencing the physical things mentally. Like eating, dancing and making love. Even being tired, I am starting to accept. Just because it is so very interesting how the body works and to experience a little one growing inside of you. Also the fact that I am no longer tired every single day and the whole day long, helps enjoying it all more. 

I can hardly wait to feel her for the first time! About a week or two from now probably. Weird, like being abducted from the inside. Cool, huh!? :)

My belly is really starting to show, but I would love it to show even more. Well that is going very fast in this second trimester! And with stretch dresses, you see it even better. Finally, I no longer feel the need to hold in my belly. I feel so sexy with it!

Well Viviane you like living intense, experiencing new things... You got what you wanted... Not what you expected. :) I am in for life's surprises, especially the more positive kinds. I am almost daily surprised by the fact there is a little one growing inside of me.

Looking My Age

Doubts and immense tiredness is what can make you your age again or for me finally. Well that last sounds like I am happy with it, which is not true. Because it doesn't have positive reasons. 

Doubts can drain smiles and the energy out of your body and then the low blood pressure was the tip of the iceberg. It is not that I have been unhappy the last months, but had many difficult moments, and being happy was also not the case. 

Nobody is telling me: "you look like 25". When I say I am 33, they all seem to believe it now. Something I have to get used to, though I know more smiles and more energy will come again. Those two go together and are already peeking around the corner. At least becoming a happy 33 year old looking woman would be fine with me.
Even walking for ten minutes made me tired. And walking like a granny is mentally hard on you when you remember your over explosive energy on the dance floor.
How I missed, oh so missed that. For a danceaholic it is hard! It made my doubts wanting to be pregnant grow even stronger. Experiencing my biggest passions again seemed far away. No nice guy to make more then once a physical communication with, no dance floor to heat up and yes, even the food tastes less then it used to.

But good news! Last week I tried going out and even if all I did was dancing for fifteen minutes, I've still got it! People looking, a guy immediately dancing with me. And more important, my body loved it and Niamh agreed. She said: go for it mom!

In my photos I see the tiredness though. Also losing weight helps to look older.

I am happy I still weigh the same as I did four months ago. I means I lost weight. Huh, you think? Well, less muscle and only eating what I feel like I need, made me lose weight. But it is normal to gain about 2 to 4,5 kilo. So I am still weighing the same. 
My face and all look thinner, only my belly is growing strong and second runner up are my breasts.

To avoid any discussions, I eat less, because I do not sport as intensely as I did, so I am eating for how much I move. In the beginning I went swimming almost daily. Lately I am walking a lot again. And no, you do not have to eat more when you are pregnant! Even when your baby is around eight months. Yes the baby needs more, but since almost ever woman starts to move less, they need less food, so you stay eating almost the same. 
Also something else is in the way in my belly, makes me little less hungry. Well talking about food... Getting hungry anyway for some healthy sugar free vegan cake that is luring me into the kitchen. Viviane...? Viiiiiviiiane... I am waaaaiting!...

Return of the Moments

Remembering those intense moments. For about one and a half year I had it almost daily, sometimes not even moments, sometimes days in a row. 
I couldn't sleep from happiness. Never slept that bad in my life, I just couldn't stop enjoying, thinking back of the day, the dancing, the fun with friends, the flirting, feeling the adrenaline going though me. The best time of my life!

It was about three years ago when that all started. Later during my travel I also had those moments, but much less. I had different experiences of feelings and thoughts. Less euphoric, but the excitement was just as strong only in all the interesting new things that crossed my path and the adventure and awareness it brought me. I was living short stories.

Since the tiredness and doubts, since pregnancy, it was just mentally and physically surviving. Now I want my daughter to come into my life, into hers, into this world. The mental part is much better, thank you. 

Because I kept trying to exercise, my body was tired but still strong inside. I am still very tired at times, but with the weather cooling down sometimes and ever since I am working again, I feel stronger. Well it works both ways, since I am stronger I can work again. Well starting part-time, building it up, but it really gives me energy. Especially when you are also successful doing so. 

But those moments, those moments of intense feeling of living, seem to come peeking around the corner, to see how it feels to be there in my life again. Still a little bit shy. Thinking am I welcome, am I honest? Yes you are! And you are always welcome to return and stay as long as you want. The longer the better.

In these moments there is astonishment, understanding and above all: love.